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| Snow has been in and out of the hospital the last couple of months. He didn't eat much, lost so much weight then didn't play much, all he did was sleep. I tried different antibiotics that at first seemed promising but didn't cure what was wrong with him. The doctor wasn't sure what was wrong with him. Snow stayed in the hospital and would come home only to go back again. First the doctor noticed Snow's enlarged kidneys but tests didn't confirm why they were enlarged. We tried our best to make him happy, feeding him whatever he wanted to eat. But soon he wasn't eating much of anything. He slept in my bed at night and we would bring him with us where ever the family was so he wouldn't be alone. Princess would come and clean Snow and Tiger would let Snow cuddle up with him at night. I felt horrible making him take his medicine twice a day. He fought back of course as do little kids. I hope he understood we only did it out of love. I hate thinking he struggled and had to take the meds for nothing, it prolly did more harm than good. We wanted him to be ok again, to be able to go and play with his siblings, like he used to. He became so frail and we became helpless to help him. He was the best, well behaved little kitten. He never made ne trouble, unlike the other two triplets who are always being little rascals.
The whole house reminds me of him now. The bed seems empty without him there quietly sleeping, all curled up in a ball. Walking by the dinning room or the piano, i keep expecting to see him there. I came home from class today and hugged Princess and Angel a little bit tighter and gave them more kisses that I wasn't able to give to Snow any more.
I found out the news yesterday while I was at work and instantly burst into tears while still on the phone with the doctor. Snow had fallen asleep and the doctor couldn't wake him up for us to say goodbye to him. I can't get over the fact that I didn't call the doctor back the other night after the call was dropped. All he said was that Snow needed to stay over night. I didn't think too much of it since Snow's had to stay overnight at the hospital other times before, once for like a week. I was too caught up in personal stuff and wasn't thinking of Snow. Then I missed a call from the doctor, Sun morning while i was getting ready for work and listened to it on the way to work. Thinking back, I should have called to check up on Snow. If I had i might have been able to be there to say goodbye while he was still alive. He wouldn't have died alone in a hospital with none of his family there with him. I know there wasn't anything I could have done for him. His kidneys stayed kitten size while his body continued to grow and weren't able to support him. His kidney failure led to liver failure and that when his poor little body couldn't hold on any more. I got the news while the girls I nanny were asleep, so at least I got some alone time. I quickly called David and Michelle to tell them. I couldn't compose myself enough to call my parents. I wanted to go home right then and there to be with my family but i didn't get to leave until 6pm.
I got home just a bit before Michelle and David came back with Snow coffin. The doctor had done and autopsy on Snow to determine cause of death so I wasn't able to see him. I was able to hold him all wrapped up though. It didn't seem like it was him at all. He was so still and lifeless, in a ong blue bundle in my arms. Snow's body was in a box in the garage after he was brought home. The coffin was too short so we had to take it apart and lengthen it. So much more difficult than building one to begin with but the work made me feel like I was doing something for Snow, the work we put into the coffin was our way of showing him we loved him. Saddly we had to tape parts of the coffin because it got too difficult to nail together.
His funeral will be today. Even the sky shared in our sorrow. It rained this morning and the sky is still gloomy outside. David wanted to bury him in the back, under the willow tree, but i was afraid the dogs might dig up the grave. I thought the front yard might be better. Michelle even got him a little cross and I'll put an angel on the cross for him. I made a ppt of Snow for the ceremony of pictures starting from the day we brought Snow home.
I just dunno what else to do for him. Even Princess, Angel and Tiger seem a little different. I wonder if they know... I wonder if they miss him too or do they just think he'll come back soon?
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| I've been a college grad for 4 days now
...but i don't think it's hit me yet
I do miss the quiet, small town feel of Dartmouth and of course I miss being able to go across the street to see my friends and being able to walk anywhere I needed to.
But most of all I think I miss being independent and knowing when I wake up what my day will be like.
I know I'll see my Dartmouth friends again soon and even after that we'll all be able to keep in touch (thank you technology!) but my life is changing now and I can't go back to the planned out routine I had at Dartmouth
I didn't leave the day of graduation nor did I have to make any final dramatic goodbyes with anyone so I wasn't very sad leaving. I didn't even see my empty room before I left, usually that's when it hits me that this space is no longer mine to occupy. My time on the campus is over and it's time for me to leave. That realization and the absence of a presence in the room always makes me cry. But my family took care of that so leaving campus was just like leaving any other term when I knew I'd come back again soon.
At the airport I was a little sad sitting by myself but still it didn't hit me. I was too tired to be sad, I hadn't gotten much sleep because I was trying to spend as much of my last hours taking in the last bits of Dartmouth I could.
The last few weeks before graduation passed by too quickly. I wish I had had time to write it all down bc now i can't seem to get any of it straight. There was so much to do but without enough time and so many overwhelming feelings. I got more attached to a place I would soon be leaving. I found new things to appreciate and new things I'd miss when I was away. I had made so many friends there, friends I know I'll have part of my life for years to come but also new friends I wished I had more time to get to know. I was lucky to have found a place I felt so at home at and people who I felt at home with and was able to share my Dartmouth experience with. My 4 years at Dartmouth would not have been the same without those people. It is those friendships that I will take away with me, not the lectures or what I read in those overpriced books, because my friends taught me so much and are now so close to me that I could never forget them.
I wish I had those last few weeks on tape or something so I could relive it all over again. I feel like I went through most of it in a daze. There was so much that happened so quickly that I know I'm already forgetting so much of it.
I wish...
I had taken more pictures
slept less and did more
spent more time with pple I won't see again
but most of all knew from the beginning how to appreciate all that was Dartmouth
I feel like I spent too much time sad and worried when I should have been finding new ways to enjoy Dartmouth
there was so much that I didn't even know about...
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| the reason ive been happy was bc...of a boy, of course. lol
turns out tho, hes...an interesting character
well how we met wasn't exactly normal
but i can't lie he did make me happy for awhile there which hasn't happened in awhile so i guess i'm thankful for that
we did go one one date after like a week of talking on the phone with him telling me he already really liked me, and to be honest i was really starting to like him too, i mean we got along so well and he always seemed to say the right things
date went well, but im leaving soon and i knew i'd prolly like him the more we hung out and well long distance just didn't seem like a real option. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship at all, of course i was shocked and a lil upset, but i dealt with it
and right when i was getting over the whole thing, he calls me while he's out of town and tells me he's been thinking
about me and how he thinks he may have made a mistake about how he feels about me, i'm not quite sure what that meant but we did keep talking, haven't seen him since the date since he's now home with family but i was expecting to see him when he got back
so i texted him today to ask how his thanksgiving went and got the most shocking reply
"i dont think u should call me anymore"
first i thought it was a very stupid joke, then i was just confused and curious but what was i to do so i texted back "Fine."
There's still this small part of me that thinks he'll call or text and say someone got a hold of his phone and it wasn't really him bc really i'm just so confused. It is weird that he wrote "dont" and "u" since he never shortened anything when he texted me before.
This is about the most confused i've ever been, it seems to have come from nowhere or at least to me it does. Im so curious to know the reason or just whats changed but i don't want to be the annoying girl that won't leave him alone lol
darn it, me and my curiosity! hehe it prolly bc ive been home too long, too much time on my hand but ill be working again tomorrow so im sure that'll help =)
i've deff found the new bipolar guy
has ne 1 figured out why it is i keep attracting the weird ones...? i mean if i know the problem maybe i can fix it? hehe
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| its normal to be a clutz when im drunk but today I was a clutz without alcohol lol
first i ran right into the metal part of the playground. I was standing there, i guess zoning out a lil then when Nikki moved I stepped forward to go under the playground to go after him and right into the Bam! I think I scared Nikki since it made such loud noise hehe
hope i dont end up with a huge purple bump on my forehead tomorrow lol
Later while I was babysitting, i was trying to show the lil girl how to do a turn and stepped on a tape dispenser, of course right on the metal part
the lil girl was like oh i think ur ok...then blood started coming out *sigh* hurts to walk on it but ill be ok
THEN when i got home, i made some hot tea to help with my soar throat, and i spilled it on my arm, it is now red and slightly swollen
hehe lets hope thats the end of my clumsiness, all these incidents happened to my left side...how strange :/
even tho all thats happened...im actually pretty happy =)
happier than ive been in awhile... | | |
| Thank you everyone who helped make turning 22 the best bday yet =)
here's a recap for those who couldn't be there... and for me so I dont ever forget hehe
Got my, first bday wish 10 days early. Really sweet blitz =) Family I nanny for took me out to lunch Fri. Got a card from Dartmouth friends the day before, majorly cute!
Had to move bday dinner to this Sat so Danni could come which also made it so Kristen could come too, yay! On Bday, had dinner at home with family and Amrita, Danni came later bc she was working. Sis got me flowers, pretty roses which i forgot to take pics of. Lil Nikki (the boy I nanny) gave me a card with his scribbles in it lol
Heard from a lot of old friends on fb, didn't hear from some I was expecting to hear from... Oh! I also got a spirit card from Andrew hehe
This Fri nite-went to Josh and AJ's apt party, they moved in like days before hehe
it was fun, we played pong (Not REAL beer pong I informed them hehe), there are so many rules! I did pretty well, won 3-4 games, sunk like 10 cups, was pretty tipsy by the end of the night, Amrita had to drive the porsche home, I stayed over at her house since it would have been at least 30 mins for me to get home and she lived like 5 mins away. Their apt was pretty cool, the stairs lead straight from their garage to their apt. Cops came when I had to go to the bathroom, good thing too lol we had 2 girls who were underage but it worked out ok
Sat nite- Im a dork and didnt make reservations... called like an hr before, had to make dinner a lil earlier. Some pple told me last min they couldn't come so ended up being just Amrita, Danni, Sean and Kristen which was fine, we had a great time! Started with drinks, I had cosmo, good vodka so tasted smooth, i had salmon stuffed with crab with lobster sauce on rice, it was amazing! we shared bottle of Riesling, then for dessert I had a Chocolate Truffle drink, yum tasted like coffee, Danni had the Buddha Bomb which was so strong!
we were there for like 4 hrs, we went outside for a bit, nice night, cool atmosphere, expensive tho but worth it hehe
we were supposed to go to Dragonfly after but since there weren't many of use and i wanted to do soemthing more active we went to lower greenville instead. We went to some bar, i forget the name. I was still tipsy from dinner and started with a long island. It wasnt made right but i didnt much care. Ended up drinking Amrita's too, prolly wasnt V good idea hehe. Kristen invited her friend from work, mike who was with pete and lief. They were nice, bought me some shots. I sat down on a stool bc my feet were hurting, best idea of the night bc once the alcohol hit I couldnt really stand up. I remember dancing on the stool, dancing and singing randomly hehe, LOTS of pics, falling on mike, scraping my elbow (my first alcohol related injury hehe), getting kicked out twice but Danni talked him out of it the first time, after falling and hurting my elbow tho Sean had to carry me out the back door. We went back to Kristen's since we all parked there, i stayed the nite bc deff still wasnt able to stand. Don't remember much after leaving the bar but do remember Danni helping me to puke in front of taco bell, apparently with my butt to a taxi cab lol. Lots of puking in the apt! Got lost in Kristen's closet some how in the middle of the night, waking up in clothes I half remember putting on, thanx Danni for that hehe Good thing it was Day light saving bc i got an extra hr to sleep, well tech the bar was just open later lol
Had to babysit on Sun, thank goodness they changed the time from 8 to 11, drove home changed then went straight there, prolly still hung over and deff not feeling well. Mom was all worried, my fault for not calling her then not coming home.
Overall it was fun! Deff a memorable bday! =D I liked how Danni described it as a group of old freinds, new friends and a boyfriend =) suited the night well...
Maybe there will be pics later since I couldnt find my camera but there were tons of pics taken on like 4 cameras =D
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